Looking Back

When forgetting seems harder than forgiving...

Like most people, I have been hurt throughout my lifetime both physically and emotionally. Some events I willingly and foolishly placed myself into, while other situations were forced upon me. Through each hurt, I grew as a person, picking up a more cautious and skeptical mentality on the way. I struggle with this particular devotion, as to open old wounds causes a sense of vulnerability. Very difficult coming from a person who feels the need to always be strong and in control.

There are individuals throughout the years that I have forgiven, yet I can still tend to hang on or dwell on the memory. I find that forgetting is sometimes harder than forgiving. In the mistakes I have made, I can even tend to find it difficult to ask God for forgiveness. There is a sense of worth that gets lost when I mess up in life. I have to constantly remind myself that God looks at me differently. Life's unfortunate situations can tend to mold our behaviors and personalities. I feel that it is acceptable to recall such past memories, and we don't need to completely wipe them from our mind. But, when those memories are used as a crutch still today or as a barrier in life, that is when it has become a true problem.

I have been used, deceived, and taken advantage of emotionally and physically. You could say I have a hard time trusting people, particularly men. I question their motives, and authenticity. I resort to such behavior because of the various betrayals I have encountered over my 33 years. So I begin to question, have I truly forgiven them, if I can't wipe the slate clean and start over? Am I using those hurts still today?

I find that past circumstances can creep up in various situations. Sure, I'm cautious because of past events, but at times that caution turns into fear. It grips not only my mind, but my soul. In a time that I should ask God to remove all doubt, fear, and anger...I run. I cower in my corner of self pity and begin to recall memories, using them as my excuse to explain why I am the way I am. I am wrong in doing so. I should be using such feelings to grow and better myself. I want to examine past hurts and pains and rejoice. Rejoice? Yes, giving God the praise for where I am as an individual today. Celebrating that I am not the same broken person I use to be! I strive to take my past and use it to help others, to show that you can indeed get back on your feet. I also strive to hold my head high, as I have accomplished a lot in life, but only through the guidance of my Lord and Savior! When I do look back, and stumble, He is there to pick me up and encourage me to keep moving forward.

To follow someone, that I can not even see, knowing He loves and cares for me so much, is trust at its utmost. After years of putting my hope and trust in people of the world, I kept coming back to the one who has never failed me. Never lied to me. Never hurt me. Sure, I wandered from him from time to time, but he was always just four words away, "God, I need you!"

What past hurts, situations and circumstances do you find yourself revisiting in your mind the most? When you revisit those thoughts are they to help you grow or to wallow? I pray that God would help you, as he is me, in getting past those barriers and focusing on the blessings to come!

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you." Matthew 6:14 (NIV)

Here is a quick 4 minute video of the Newboys singing "In Christ Alone", set to the movie "The Passion of the Christ". If Jesus can forgive His betrayers, we can and should forgive ours!